You thought I was dead, didn’t you?
Admit it. You said, “Bruce Jenner, you died.”
Wait, what’s my character’s name again? It’s not Bruce Jenner?
Well, fuck it. I want to be Bruce Jenner, now. You are aware that I stopped writing because you hated my Hover-round jokes, right? Well, that’s actually 1 percent of the operation. The other 99 was that I was in grad school and when I bailed everyone else did as well.
Which is smart, because who are we kidding? I’m the looks and the brains, Aaron’s the muscle (he’s got a skull tattoo), Al is the useless chick, and Tanz, who doesn’t even write for us, is the wild card.
So, here we are a few months after the line went cold. We’re up 2.5 in the Central… so it’s not even like we missed anything at all. The Cubs are a laughing stock, and the team out of nowhere is the Pirates.
Adorable, these kids with their baseball bats and their hope. I was watching the movie Hook the other day, but I was so confused by the fact that both teams during the baseball scene are called Pirates… and that Smee, the greatest character in the history of cinema, has at least 43 balks in a span of five seconds while pitching to Peter Pan’s son… Run Home Jack! Run Home Jack!
NO… NO… NO… You’ve got it backwards?!
The Pirates are on their way down… Give it a few more weeks and call me. I own a street sign from the Pirates 1993, 0-3 deficit that says “Believe”. Well, that went poorly. Not planning on believing then, and I’m certainly not planning on believing now.
Someone get ready, the Brewers are winning this fucking division. And if you doubt me, I think you need to look at this god damn picture again.
This is in the bag. It’s a lock. Prince is now on display for all of baseball to see, and Braun has been cleared by Larry David’s rabbi to play on Saturdays with some Uncurbable Enthusiasm.
[APPLAUSE] You’re welcome, America…
Now then, I think I’ll just post what the top six threats are to the Brewers in the next 60 days…. The only things that separate the Brewers from hoisting the ugliest trophy in sports…
- LaTroy Hawkins. Nothing has changed. This guy is a nightmare. He is responsible for the debt ceiling crisis, the war in Libya, and America being so divided. The only thing that actually threatens Obama’s reelection is LaTroy Hawkins’ fucking WHIP.
- Asian chicks in red framed glasses. I only say this because I’m sitting a table away from a drunk Emo Asian art student from MICA talking about Dan Deacon way too loudly. Now Dan Deacon is awesome, but I’m bearish on Asian women right now after hitting a historic high. Ever notice that Asian chicks go out of their way to tell you how bad of a mood they are in? And did you know that being an artist requires some profound understanding of the world that no one else has? It used to be called acid, but now it’s a bunch of sober self-righteousness… Bring back the 60s. Holy hell, Asian women are terrible when they talk about themselves. What the hell was I thinking… she’s talking about her shoe racks and her wine racks. Bartender, Goldschlager and Strongbow in a pint glass.
- Scott Walker. There is a possibility that this guy finds a way to bring all of baseball to a halt by refusing to recognize the MLB players’ union, thus leading to a September 12th work stoppage. You break it, Wisconsin, you bought it.
- Some sort of really bad Wizard’s curse. I’ve had one of these, and I couldn’t poop right for weeks. You’re gonna want to keep Warlocks away from the Brewers. LuckILy, Zack Greinke is capable of unleashing some manna.
- An economic meltdown that leads to a credit freeze that leads to destabilization of commodity markets that leads to a Mad Max style of society… Picture Randy Wolf in a hockey mask and telling everyone that he’s just here for the gasoline.
- Lack of heart from Brewers fans. That’s the only real threat… so get your ass out there and start cheering… We’re passed the 100 game mark… and if I hear you’re skipping day games just because of work, I will see you in hell.
So check back in with us. We’re alive. It’s just really hard to write constantly when you’re at the bar slamming Beast Lights and watching the Brewers dominate. I will be back, I assure you. A few hundred words a day should help you meet your fix… Now, for glory.
Viva. Brewers. Series. Noise.