You Thought I Was Dead

Greinke and the Brewers are heating up!

You thought I was dead, didn’t you?

Admit it. You said, “Bruce Jenner, you died.”

Wait, what’s my character’s name again? It’s not Bruce Jenner?

Rex Banner?

Well, fuck it. I want to be Bruce Jenner, now. You are aware that I stopped writing because you hated my Hover-round jokes, right? Well, that’s actually 1 percent of the operation. The other 99 was that I was in grad school and when I bailed everyone else did as well.

Which is smart, because who are we kidding? I’m the looks and the brains, Aaron’s the muscle (he’s got a skull tattoo), Al is the useless chick, and Tanz, who doesn’t even write for us, is the wild card.

So, here we are a few months after the line went cold. We’re up 2.5 in the Central… so it’s not even like we missed anything at all. The Cubs are a laughing stock, and the team out of nowhere is the Pirates.

Adorable, these kids with their baseball bats and their hope. I was watching the movie Hook the other day, but I was so confused by the fact that both teams during the baseball scene are called Pirates… and that Smee, the greatest character in the history of cinema, has at least 43 balks in a span of five seconds while pitching to Peter Pan’s son… Run Home Jack! Run Home Jack!

NO… NO… NO… You’ve got it backwards?!

The Pirates are on their way down…  Give it a few more weeks and call me. I own a street sign from the Pirates 1993, 0-3 deficit that says “Believe”. Well, that went poorly. Not planning on believing then, and I’m certainly not planning on believing now.

Someone get ready, the Brewers are winning this fucking division. And if you doubt me, I think you need to look at this god damn picture again.


This is in the bag. It’s a lock. Prince is now on display for all of baseball to see, and Braun has been cleared by Larry David’s rabbi to play on Saturdays with some Uncurbable Enthusiasm.

[APPLAUSE] You’re welcome, America…

Now then, I think I’ll just post what the top six threats are to the Brewers in the next 60 days…. The only things that separate the Brewers from hoisting the ugliest trophy in sports…

  1. LaTroy Hawkins. Nothing has changed. This guy is a nightmare. He is responsible for the debt ceiling crisis, the war in Libya, and America being so divided. The only thing that actually threatens Obama’s reelection is LaTroy Hawkins’ fucking WHIP.
  2. Asian chicks in red framed glasses. I only say this because I’m sitting a table away from a drunk Emo Asian art student from MICA talking about Dan Deacon way too loudly. Now Dan Deacon is awesome, but I’m bearish on Asian women right now after hitting a historic high. Ever notice that Asian chicks go out of their way to tell you how bad of a mood they are in? And did you know that being an artist requires some profound understanding of the world that no one else has? It used to be called acid, but now it’s a bunch of sober self-righteousness… Bring back the 60s. Holy hell, Asian women are terrible when they talk about themselves. What the hell was I thinking… she’s talking about her shoe racks and her wine racks. Bartender, Goldschlager and Strongbow in a pint glass.
  3. Scott Walker. There is a possibility that this guy finds a way to bring all of baseball to a halt by refusing to recognize the MLB players’ union, thus leading to a September 12th work stoppage. You break it, Wisconsin, you bought it.
  4. Some sort of really bad Wizard’s curse. I’ve had one of these, and I couldn’t poop right for weeks. You’re gonna want to keep Warlocks away from the Brewers. LuckILy, Zack Greinke is capable of unleashing some manna.
  5. An economic meltdown that leads to a credit freeze that leads to destabilization of commodity markets that leads to a Mad Max style of society… Picture Randy Wolf in a hockey mask and telling everyone that he’s just here for the gasoline.
  6. Lack of heart from Brewers fans. That’s the only real threat… so get your ass out there and start cheering… We’re passed the 100 game mark… and if I hear you’re skipping day games just because of work, I will see you in hell.

So check back in with us. We’re alive. It’s just really hard to write constantly when you’re at the bar slamming Beast Lights and watching the Brewers dominate. I will be back, I assure you. A few hundred words a day should help you meet your fix… Now, for glory.

Viva. Brewers. Series. Noise.

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Banner is Back!

The Most Interesting One-Man Sausage Fest in the World -- Rex Banner

Dear all:

Guess who’s back…
Back again…
Banner’s Back…
Make some friends…
Keep the old ones.
Thesis is over…

That means I can get back to one-a-days. I can say
f#@k without having to hate my life. I no longer have to sit in the
basement of the Johns Hopkins University library with a bunch of Asian
people…speaking of which, my fantasy team name is Shin Choo Been Gone. Or is
it Ass to McLouth? I don’t recall.

Who cares? I’m back baby. I’m back.

Let’s get morale down. It’s all upside now with the Brew Crew. We
escaped April, and now I can get back to ranking this f#@king team


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Rule of 7

Prince isn't the only one scratching his noggin; If the Brewers can't be competitive this year...when can they?

The Brewers have scored a mere 7 runs during their 7-game losing streak…WTF?! What happened to the high powered offense that we’ve grown accustomed to? Greinke and Hart are off the DL. Braun and Fielder are back to 2008 form. What else do we need to put together a winning record? Pitching has been unreliable and the fielding is atrocious. We could deal with those shortcomings when the offense was putting up 8 runs a game and keeping them in the race for the central. Now we’re in the basement staring at another lost series this weekend if something doesn’t give.

I know the One-Man Sausage Fest has not been doing it’s part and for that I do take responsibility, but this poor display just won’t do. The Brewers need to get their shit together today so I’m calling them out. Pitching, hitting and especially defense need to pick it up today. I’ve beat my chest and shot my mouth off too many times about how the Brewers are a real contender this year to have the wheels fall off in mid-May. C’mon! You’ve got to be kidding me! Let’s win one today Yo and turn this ship around!

Big shout-out to Chaz. Undoubtedly, you are the most loyal reader of OMSF and we commend you for that. Aside from being British, you’re a pretty cool guy.

Go Brewers!

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OMSF Adds a New Post; “Well, would you look at that!”

To the small but faithful group of One-Man Sausage Fest readers, I apologize for the lack of posts these past couple of weeks. Needless to say, there is plenty going on in the world of the Brewers and I hope you are enjoying the season thus far. Unfortunately, the OMSF crew has all been untimely and simultaneously incapacitated by real-life responsibilities, which has made it near impossible to watch baseball let alone write about it.

We hope to get things back on track here shortly and ask you to bear with us in the meantime. Looking forward to getting back to a regular schedule where we can get the OMSF back to normal.

We have a big series against the Reds starting tonight. Maybe the Brewers can return the favor and sweep the Reds at home this week. Here’s to that…

Go Brewers!

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Shuffling the Bottom Half Of the Deck

You do the math...

The Brewers are getting healthy.  This is good news for Brewer fans, but bad news for a few Brewers.  Jonathan Lucroy returns to action this week and he’s excepted to be joined by Zach Greinke, Corey Hart, Manny Parra, and LaTroy Hawkins (ugh).  The Brewers will be faced with some interesting roster decisions within the next few weeks.

The Crew already made a somewhat interesting decision when they decided to keep three catchers when Lucroy returned to the team yesterday.  Roenicke indicated that he felt he had enough outfielders on the roster to fill the void until Corey Hart returns shortly from his nagging oblique injury and Jeremy Reed was clearly the odd man out in that situation (although I think you could argue Kotsay and Almonte have done very little to show they deserved the pardon over Reed).  But this sets the stage for a very interesting decision for the Brewers brass when they are forced to decide which catcher is expendable: Kottaras or Nieves.

As I discussed in my Roster Battle article, the backup catcher position has been up in the air since the beginning of camp.  Nieves was brought in to push George Takei Kottaras and perhaps provide some additional defensive security as Lucroy continues to develop those skills.  In my original analysis I gave the edge to Kottaras for his offensive upside, but after getting to know Nieves it appears these two are closer than I originally thought.  Both have been almost identical offensively with Kottaras getting the slight edge in the early sample size, and defensively, they’ve both been good too.  Based on Kottaras’ offensive upside I’d still give him the edge, but I wouldn’t blame anyone if they stuck with Nieves based on his proven defense and ability to “handle” pitchers well.  Neither player has any options left, so it may be difficult to retain the services of the player that is left out, but that is the business end of the game.

The bullpen situation could become very interesting with Saito being placed on the DL and Manny Parra and LaTroy Hawkins (ugh) set to rejoin the team shortly.  I keep hoping every morning I’ll see that the Brewers traded Parra or Hawkins for a Snickers and a used sock, but somewhere, somebody in this organization continues to piss into the wind and think these guys will be anything different than they’ve always been…which is terrible.  Even more unfortunate is they will probably take valuable roster spots from people who actually may NOT be terrible.

With Saito going on the DL, Brandon Kintzler returned to the big league club about 17 minutes after he left it.  Kintzler will most certainly be the first player sent back through the turnstiles to Nashville when Parra or Hawkins (ugh) is able to return to Milwaukee.  Sean Green or Mitch Stetter would probably be the next on the chopping block.  I would assume it would be Stetter because Parra would give them another lefty in the pen, and Stetter may still need some time to get back up to par since his injury last year.  But again, I’d rather just see the team find a way to move Parra and/or Hawkins, but I know that is really just wishful thinking.

Lastly, when Zach Greinke finally returns debuts the Brewers starting rotation will finally be a full strength.  You have to tip your hat to Marco Estrada thus far for filling in admirably in his one start, and hope he can keep it up against the Buc-holes this Sunday.  But having Greinke finally make his debut may allow the team to collectively exhale knowing they should be at full strength (fingers crossed) by then.  Needless to say, it will just be nice to see the whole squad together to see what they can do.  We’ll keep the paper champion declaration to the Cubs fans.  I want to see it for real!

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Thanks for the Treat, Stupid (Cubs)!

After a vindicating series at home versus the Cubs, the Brewers look ready to right the ship against the Pirates of Pittsburgh. (How’s that for a pun? Suck on that Fox News.) The 0-4 start that we attributed to the bad bullpen appearances and missed calls seems justified now as the Brew Crew is beginning come together. With the Cubs win versus the Asstros last night, there is a 3-way tie in the Central for 2nd (Brewers, Cubs, and Pirates), 2 games back from the Reds.

The perennially young Pirates team is playing well early. While they will inevitably end up fulfilling their role as the Yankees and Red Sox farm team this season, they will continue to wreak havoc versus their Central opponents until a couple key players go down or the wheels just fall off because Pittsburgh is depressing.

Historically, the Brewers have owned the Pirates. Last year, only 1 starter recorded a win in 18 attempts. Read about the 22 game losing streak at Miller Park and everything else  you need to know about the Pirates last year:

On April 22 the Pirates suffered their worst loss in franchise history, losing to the Milwaukee Brewers 20-0. During that series against the Brewers, they were outscored 36-1. On April 27 the Pirates broke a 22 game losing streak at Miller Park, beating the Brewers 7-3. On July 20, they scored nine runs in the first inning, the first time they accomplished that feat since 1989. The very next night, Pedro Alvarez became the first Pirate rookie in history to have multi-home run games on consecutive nights. On August 20, 2010, the Pirates clinched their 18th straight losing season in a row, extending the all-time record in the history of major sports. On September 24, 2010, the Pirates fell to the Houston Astros 10-7 to reach the century mark in losses for the first time since 2001. On October 4, 2010 the Pirates fired the team’s manager, John Russell. Russell went 186-299 in three seasons, equaling a franchise record set by Fred Haney’s teams from 1953-55. The 2010 Pirates picked up the third most losses in franchise history, trailing only the 113-loss teams of 1890 and 1952. They also had the sixth worst winning percentage in team history and their worst since 1954. [Wikipedia]

All things considered, the Brewers should be able to win this series, but we know it will come down to our pitching. Plain and simple. Hopefully, they will embody the spirit animal of the Honey Badger. Taking what they want and not giving a shit.

Here is a brief summary of who has been good and not-so-good for the Brewers during Opening Week.

Bright Spots

Prince Fielder – 3 RBI-doubles versus the Cubs. He was voted NL player of the week.
Ryan Braun – Continues to look strong, batting .353 with 4 HRs and 8 RBIs.
Nyjer Morgan – He looks just awesome. I was not in favor of this trade and I am eating my words. He gets on base and is our best base-runner. Plus he makes great plays in center. He has 2 triples and has only started 5 games!


Randy Wolf – 0-2, 7.20 ERA. Simply not good enough appearances from Wolf. Hoping he can shape up soon.
Takashi Saito – Gave up 2 home runs in the 8th versus Braves in the home opener. No worries here, Saito was just place on the DL with a hamstring strain.
Rickie Weeks – 2 costly errors versus the Cubs that made the difference in the game.

Side Note: Jonathan Lucroy has been activated off the DL and Jeremy Reed as been designated for assignment. Let the catcher battle begin.

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Brewers vs. Cubs — Round One

As some of you may or may not remember, Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter in a 2008 game versus the Astros that was played at Miller Park against…guess who? Randy Wolf. Yes, Randy Wolf played 1 season with the Astros and got schooled by our arch nemesis Zambrano on the field that would eventually become his home.

The game was moved from Houston to Milwaukee due to hurricane conditions in Texas. The Cubs were unable to host the make-up game because they hadn’t had their customary “5-day hose down period” following the previous homestand to remove all the vomit and urine from the bleachers.

Fast-forward to today, Zambrano is pitching the best baseball of his career and he always seems to shows up when the Cubs play the Brewers. He is 13-8 with a 3.66 career ERA against the Brewers. Last year he went 2-0 with a 3.00 ERA when playing Milwaukee.

Unfortunately, Randy Wolf has been less than spectacular versus the Cubs. He is 5-9 with a 4.47 career ERA in this match-up. Last year he went 0-2 with a 6.39 ERA when playing Chicago.

So it’s safe to say that the odds are stacked against Wolf and the Brewers today, however, the Brewers really settled in yesterday in their game against the Braves. Call me crazy, but I expect a win today. On paper, the Cubs have the advantage on the mound and in the bullpen, but that’s it. I say the Brewers high-power offense comes through today and I really, really hope I’m right.

To a non-invested baseball fan you might think I am putting too much emphasis on this game, but believe me, this game sets the tone for the series. The dynamic in the NL Central. The next series. The season as a whole. And more importantly, the amount of shit I’ll take from all the Cubs fans at the bar tonight. It’s really f#@king important! This is like a playoff game to me and most Brewers fans.

So with that let me just say, GIVE ‘EM HELL RANDY! I may be eating my words tomorrow, but I think the Brewers will come through on this one.

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Game Seven — Smee Edition

"Very violent sport, isn't it? Baseball."

Has anyone ever noticed that in the movie Hook, when they are playing the baseball game on the ship, both teams are named the Pirates. Smee is on the mound, and has the greatest delivery of all time… HE’S STEALING SECOND!!!

No! No! No! No! Now stop it!

The Brewers are now on a roll after beating the Braves yesterday and at 3-4, they get to play everyone’s favorite punching bag this weekend. The Chicago Cubs.

Bangarang Brewer: Ryan Braun. And again, the Hammer does what a hammer does. Braun is batting .391 to start the season, and rocked the Braves best pitcher in the third inning for his third home run of the year.

The Good: John Axford. Somebody seems to have gotten ahold of himself a little bit over the last two games. I might have been right. It was the cold in Cincinnati that was biting into his breaking pitches. I think that Axford is still going to end up winning the mustache competition and will be able to muster at least 30 saves. The Ax of God will return to prominence…

The Bad: Yuniesky Betancourt. Batting .182 so far this season, and has an OBP at .217. I read his ESPN page earlier on Fantasy News, and this came up: “There aren’t many positives when it comes to Betancourt, as he’s an overrated defender who commits a slew of outs year after year, but we’ll try nevertheless.” Huh? They try to salvage the post for the next ten lines, but it just doesn’t pan out. We might want to start scanning the Orioles roster for an offering for Caesar Izturis. Or Andino. Or Alfredo Simon, who is still in an Aruba jail.

The Ugly: Eric Almonte: Is it me or does this guy look like he’s going to steal something other than a base…

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Game Six – Five Dollar Footlong Edition

This missed call at home plate was enough to give Brewers the one-run victory. Not ideal, but we'll take it.

A box cutter. A package of Betty Boop stamps. A baseball card of Frank Viola. A Five-Dollar Footlong card with four footlongs stamps clipped. What do they all have in common?

They all woke up in my pocket last weekend in New York. First off, Five Dollar Footlongs in New York are really Ten Dollar Footlongs…and inflation will make that awesome song, useless in about six months.

So, onto more pressing priorities. The Brewers are in their longest, and only, winning streak of the year at two games, and it seems that a fat Vegetarian, who goes with the Portabello Mushroom sandwich when he does the footlong his way, is finally waking up at the plate.

Bangarang Brewer: Prince Fielder. Bad things happen when you kill your family with a hammer. Wait, that’s not Fielder…Prince didn’t hammer any balls out of the park, but did have three RBIs after a slow start this season. I therefore give him the top honors of the day. The only thing that would make me happier than Prince’s first home run would be, right after he hits it, the television cuts to a video of Adam Wainwright cleaning out his garage with his pitching arm in a sling.

The Good: Sir Rickie Weeks. Not only is he batting .292 early, he’s taking pitches and walking. If he has more multigame walks, the Brewers are going to score a lot of runs. They don’t need him to hit a two-run homer when no one is on base. He just needs to set the table for what’s about to happen to the opposing pitching staff. I gave him a lot of shit before the season starts, but so far, Weeks is impressive. This might be his best season to come.

The Bad: Casey McGahee goes 0-4, and is looking like Mark Kotsay is not the protection that anyone had in mind for our pudgy little dough factory.

The Ugly: Eight runners left on base. That’s inexcusable in a one-run game. Especially against the Braves. With Estrada on the mount, they are going to have to score at least five runs to win. They tiptoed that line last night.

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What About Bob? — Betting on Baseball

Picking a game to go over is easier than picking a seat in these bleachers. You can't miss.

Betting baseball in April and early May could be the easiest thing you do this year.  Seriously, it is so simple! Find a couple teams with weak starters (in this case we will use NYY/MIN 9 1/2) and then play the over.  Shitty pitchers = big total.  A.J. sucks!  Keep lookin’ for bad match-ups.  These types of bets can pay the rent!

Another solid bet in baseball is to find a team that desperately needs a win.  Like Boston (SCLD) (-190).  As a Boston fan, I wanna throw up. 0-5! Really?  Lester throws a gem today.  Losing streak over.  112-60 here they come!  Seriously, what the hell?

For those of you haven’t been following along, I only lost one game in the tourney (6-1).  Had I taken my own advice in my first rant, I’d be rich bitch!  But who would do that?  Certainly not me…not the OMSF…not Max’s Dad…not the drunk ass I served at 4 p.m. today…not anybody who reads this. That’s because, at the end of the day, we all need the action.

Seriously!  What’s with the action?  Why do we need it?  Why isn’t ‘X’ amount enough?  Why am I so good lookin? (Well, my Dad is really handsome, so I guess that answers that. Just sayin’.)  Seriously though!?

We may never know the answers to these questions, but this I do know this…I won’t steer you wrong.

Bet the Red Sox (-190)

Couple Quickies:  Celtics (+4) are catching points?  Are you f*#kin kiddin me?!  Bet them with both hands, and play the aforementioned over NYY/MIN ( 9 1/2).

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