Jonathon Lucroy – Catcher. Human Casualty.
Beer to drink while you swear to never follow CBS Sportsline’s fantasy advice ever again: Michelob Golden
Jonathan Lucroy is probably not going to be active on the Opening Day roster.
He suffered a broken finger on the same day that Adam Wainwright was diagnosed with SARS… That’s “Sleepy Arm Rip Syndrome” to you. Given that baseball is now using new Sabremetrics such as this ridiculous SAFE standard, which keeps Craig Counsell on the roster, don’t be surprised if some nerd from “The Silicon” develops a brand new metric tied to a player’s “Value to the Team While He’s on Disabled List”. It would basically be a statistic that measures how much better a team has done when that player is hurt, or say, off somewhere rehabbing an injury. I say let’s call it the “LaTroy Hawkins Index” or the LTHI.
As you will find, according to zero research conducted by yours truly, a team potentially wins more games, has a lower overall ERA (or scores more runs), has higher overall team morale, and drinks the team bus keg faster when a certain player is not around based. This success is based on a scale from Zero to LaTroy Hawkins. After statistical analysis, I assume the value of LaTroy Hawkins or any pitcher by using the following equation. Allowing integer “R” to represent Runs Allowed by a pitcher (LaTroy Hawkins) per nine innings, and “K” to quantify the time it takes for said player (LaTroy Hawkins) to finish his share of a Pony Keg.
John Rocker, you would think, might have the highest value in this equation, but the reality is, that guy took zero time to finish his keg beer, thus making LaTroy Hawkins the winner of this misnomer. There’s also a value for hitters, in which you replace “R” with “Rc”, which the total number of “runs created” by a batter, whether he scores or he knocks runs in while up at the plate. The equation works the same. (Pulling groin) SO RIGHT HERE, BILLY BEANE! That’s real Moneyball, you World Series-less suckwonder.
That was way too much math for one blog post, but I just blew your mind. Yep, you’re damn right that happened. If you think that’s intense, I once took a job as a janitor just so that I could solve equations on a blackboard outside of a classroom. Granted, it was Whitefish Bay Middle School, and the equations were mainly games of Jelly Bean Jar guessing, but what the hell? The answer was exactly 734. I won a basket of Granny Smith’s and $25 gift certificate to the Macaroni Grill. How you like them apples, bitch?
I am getting way too fired up about random, custom statistics. What the hell were we talking about?
Oh, yeah. He’s hurt.
I said that already?
Well, Wil Nieves is doing the double-dutch until further notice. Yeah, I know. “Lucy” Lucroy was supposed to be the next breakout catcher according to CBS Sportsline Fantasy Baseball analysis. Chalk that one up with the “Can’t Miss First Rounder” Marshawn Lynch in that 2008 fantasy football league, and I’m done listening to these knob rockets for good. Damn it, who hires those people? Thanks a lot Sportsline. I love when you tell me to temper my expectations with a pitcher, but still project they guy as a #1 starter this year. Or when you say that Jonathan Lucroy will be the breakout catcher, but still project him to have worse statistics than Russell F-ing Martin… Yeah, Russell Martin? Remember him? According to Sportsline, this guy is a “Breakout” even though he’s projected as the #28 catcher overall behind such powerhouses like Hank Conger, Ryan Doumit… and Josh Thole? Who the hell is Josh Thole?
Zero accountability over there. But I keep coming back and paying this insanely high price every year because we use custom stats, and we like tracking our league records. Sportsline: terrible fantasy advice. World’s greatest “League History” page. We keep telling ourselves this? It’s a complete f-ing rip off.
Anyway, so, what is my advice to coaches regarding Lucroy’s finger issue. Meet me at camera three.
Look, let’s just make this very clear to you. Play Nieves for a while. If Lucroy has a broken finger, do not, I repeat, do not rush him back. Broken fingers do not heal well when you are batting constantly. I point to last year’s prime examples in Derek Lee, Andre Ethier (Check his splits after the splint), Carlos Pena, Martin Prado, and anyone else who came back from a hand injury. Lucroy is not the defensive catcher that Nieves is, and if he can’t hit well with a nagging broken finger it will only aggravate fans, destroy the prospect’s confidence, and lead to many a broken bench with Nieves’ ass collecting dust.
Hey, at least we aren’t the Cardinals right now. They actually rely on a Molina to play year round.
(Pointing to groin) Right here Sportsline!
Money wasted per CBS Sportsline’s league for shitty fantasy advice and a crappy new layout: $179.99